family matters

two mums

One of my mates, let’s call her Anne, is adopted. She spent the first 34 years of her life knowing only that her adopted parents had picked her up from the hospital when she was 6 weeks old, after the cut-off date for her biological mum to change her mind about the adoption. She had no idea who her real mother was or why she gave Anne away, all she knew was that when her parents picked her up, she had a rash from being passed between so many different people. To the day, she doesn’t like being touched by people or displays of affection, even with her nearest and dearest.

While Anne had often wondered who her parents were and what they were like, she never actively tried to search for them. There were unexplainable things about herself that she had learnt to manage: like her chronic gambling addiction, her obsessive task-setting and list-making, and her smoking addiction. Like all of us, she had her cross to bear, but was otherwise a strong, smart, easygoing and well-adjusted person.

Then, one night as Anne sat at home smoking a joint and watching TV, the phone rang. An emotional, nervous and strangely familiar voice on the other end announced that she was Anne’s biological mother who’d been trying to track her down for years. After two intense hours talking, Anne suddenly had a second mother.

Understandably, Anne was surprised and overwhelmed. Mum 2 had taken it upon herself to contact Anne independently, which defied the adoption act. At times Anne was resentful that she had not been given time to prepare or the choice to even be contacted.

It’s been a rocky time, but two years later, Anne has learnt to live with 2 mums. And she now knows so many things about her history - physical and psychological. She has learnt that Mum 2 and her half siblings struggle with vices ranging from codeine dependency to cocaine addicition, to gambling addiction and smoking. Mum 2 is also prone to make lists and set herself unachievable tasks. It has been somewhat reassuring for Anne to learn these things in the understanding of her own personality. But at times it has been a bit confronting. When Anne finally met Mum 2, she was shocked to discover Mum 2 was morbidly obese.

More than anything, the experience has made Anne grateful for the grounding upbringing she had with Mum 1, who gave her the strength of character and endurance to overcome anything that might be thrown her way.